Maraming takot sa’kin.
I love that feeling when I am in control. When I am in power. When I am above everybody else.
Sino ba ang hindi?
Masisisi ko ba sila that they are weak and an easy target?
Kasalanan ko ba that they are a nobody?
It’s not my fault that they don’t fit in and not as cool as me.
I feel powerful when I am around those I can hurt and torment.
But then, when I’m alone, it’s different.
Going home is different. It’s war. It’s hell.
My mom and dad would argue and fight relentlessly. They hate each other. They’re mean. I can’t even remember the last time na hindi sila nag-away.
Growing up, I never experienced anything good from them.
I am unwanted. I am despised. I am neglected by the very people whom I thought would love and care for me.
And I want people to feel the same!
Damay damay na ‘to! Ganoon ako pinalaki eh. Dapat lang maramdaman din ng iba ‘yun.
Kaya you don’t know anything about my struggles.
The rejection I felt from my family.
The feeling of being humiliated and threatened noong bata ka pa by grade school bullies.
The pressure of trying to always prove yourself to people that you are somebody. Someone who is worthy of something.
The struggle of finding friends who will not stab you in the back.
The fear of not being good enough. Popular enough. Funny enough. Liked enough by people.
You don’t know the void and longing in my heart to be truly accepted.
Hindi mo alam ‘yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.
So, the feeling of being in power? The laugh I get when I taunt people around me? The likes and comments I receive when I tease online?
It’s all I have.
Pero sa totooo lang, minsan iniisip ko if I am more than this.
Ganito na lang ba ang buhay ko?
I don’t know how and where to start.
I hope somebody would hear me out.
I hope somebody would take time to understand that behind this tough mask is a person who just wants to be loved.
I hope somebody would care enough to know what I’m really going through.
I hope there’s somebody.